You Were Not Meant to Carry This Alone
This is a continued series from “When You Know What to Do But Can’t Do It.” In that article, I talked about how restoration of the nervous system needs to come before we can move forward with our creative pursuits. After publishing, several friends shared their curiosity about how to move from that state of inaction — and that’s what I want to share today.
When I think about the power of safety, I recall one conversation I had with one of my coaching clients. They said to me: “This is the first time I’ve had someone I can fully feel supported by. I never had that for myself.”
Hearing that sank my heart. How lonely it must have been to not have anyone in their life to feel fully supported by. At the same time, I felt a deep sense of gratitude and relief that they had found some space of safety through our coaching relationship.
Once that safety was present, something began to shift. The anxiety that had been their constant companion started to quiet. They found their footing. Their physical and mental health began to improve. And from that grounded place, they started making bold choices — ones that finally felt aligned with who they actually are and where they want to go.
That’s just a glimpse of the power of a safe relationship.
For our nervous system to meaningfully move into a state of regulation, we need safety. According to polyvagal theory, that sense of safety can be built in three different places — through relational safety, environmental safety, and moments of safety, what Deb Dana calls “glimmers.”
Amongst these three, relational safety is the most powerful anchor. Human beings are wired for connection. When someone safe is present with us, our nervous system notices. It begins to shift from threat to safety. And over time, that repeated experience of being safe with another person builds new pathways — ones that lead us back to our most authentic, creative self.
How to Cultivate Relational Safety
Finding safety in relationship looks like three things — recognizing it, cultivating it, and releasing what is costing you your safety.
Recognizing Safe Relationship
Have you ever been with someone and felt you could speak honestly without wearing a mask? There is a quality of ease and openness in that conversation — you are not calculating how your words will land or bracing for judgment. You leave feeling more like yourself, not less.
That is what safe relationship feels like. And for many leaders I work with, it has been so long since they experienced it that they have stopped looking. They have normalized the loneliness. But your nervous system hasn’t forgotten. It still knows the difference.
Take a moment to reflect — who are the people in your life with whom you can truly be yourself? And if no one comes to mind immediately, let that be gentle information rather than judgment. It is simply your nervous system telling you something important is waiting to be tended.
Cultivating Safe Relationship
One of the most intentional things you can do is seeking a community that shares your values and the passions you pursue. It could be an animal rescue community, a surfing club, or a faith community. Being part of a group that shares the same vision and values strengthens your common ground and builds a genuine support system around you.
Safe relationship rarely just happens. It has to be sought and cultivated over time. So ask yourself — are you intentionally moving toward people who share what matters most to you?
Releasing What Costs You Your Safety
This is perhaps the most courageous part. Releasing means letting go of relationships that are consistently hijacking your sense of safety. We all have people in our lives that trigger and activate our sense of threat — and it is worth pausing to honestly reflect on who those people are for you.
Start with your values. Get clear on what is acceptable to you in relationship and what is not. When someone consistently crosses that line, the answer is not to keep them close and hope things change. It is to create some distance — to protect the space you need to stay grounded in yourself.
This is not unkind but a respectful way to honor yourself and the other person.
A Note to Close
As you reflect on what you’ve read today, I want to leave you with one simple invitation.
Out of the three — recognizing, cultivating, and releasing — which one is calling your attention right now?
Maybe you realized there is someone in your life with whom you can truly be yourself, and you want to be more intentional about nurturing that relationship. Maybe you’ve been longing for a community that shares your values and it’s time to take a step toward finding one. Or maybe there is a relationship that has been quietly draining your safety, and it’s time to create some healthy distance.
You don’t have to do all three at once. Just one. One small, intentional move toward your own safety is enough to begin.
Your nervous system is always listening. And every step you take toward safety is a step toward the most grounded, creative, and courageous version of yourself.
Until next time, may you find the courage to tend to the relationships that help you come home to yourself.
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